Pleasantly Surprised

I had my shots and was beyond blown away when she told me that after my next appointment I may be able to switch to as needed.  In my head because I had small spots growing in different places I figured they were going to get bigger.  She told me that I shouldn't think that.  Instead she said it seems like the spots are coming in smaller and that maybe this next month there would be no new spots at all.

I am so excited about this.  I try not to get too overly hopeful in case it doesn't work out this way.  But I can't help it...when I think about it I get crazy happy.  Maybe I am seeing results after all.  I have to believe that things are going to get better from here.  Thank you guys for being there for the days when I am not so hopeful.  I won't say they won't happen anymore but perhaps they will be less frequent.

Hope you guys have an amazing day.

Appearances

I go for shots again tomorrow.  I am feeling somewhat disheartened about having them as there are many new growing areas where I am losing hair.  I don't like having the needles shoved into my head.  It is frustrating to me that even though I am trying to live a healthier life that it isn't changing my condition that I am able to detect yet.

 I think about stopping the shots and seeing if the hair grows back on it's own.  At least then I can spare myself the trauma of being poked all over my head every month.  As well as saving the money I pay each time I go. I know though that if the hair didn't fill in as it does with the shots I would feel more beaten down then I do now. So stopping doesn't really feel like an option.

People keep asking if the shots are working, when I say they are, people say that is great.  I always have to pause and say it is great...but...The but is that the shots do not stop my hair from falling out.  It only stimulates new growth.  Which means that in my estimation, if my hair keeps falling out the way it has been, that in the next year or so most of it will have fallen out and be in various stages of regrowth.  I can't imagine what that will look like.

I mostly have a good attitude about it.  What I wrote the past few days isn't bull shit.  I really am trying to keep myself focused on the things that are truly important, it is just sometimes I feel nervous about it. I feel nervous about how I will feel if it does all fall out. I wonder what I will look like if it is bald and then patches of growth all different lengths.

  I know the people who know me and love me aren't going to care about it.  They really aren't.  I don't worry so much abut that.  Which is a blessing to have people in my life that I know love me for me.  I am more nervous about what strangers will think.  Which is very different for me.

I have always said that I am not the type of girl who cares about what I look like or what people think of me.  I have never been a person who felt like I needed to do my hair and make up to run to the store.  I would say cavalierly that I was low maintenance.    I would throw on a sweatshirt and pull my hair back in a ponytail and be on my way.  I sort of want to punch past me in the face for not realizing that everyone isn't that lucky.  I was completely unaware that there were people out there who didn't have that option.  That it was not a simple choice to be low maintenance.

 It isn't to say that I regret that there was a time in my life that I felt comfortable in myself in my natural form.  It is more that now I understand people who take time before they leave the house to be more comfortable with flaws in their form whether they are real, imagined, or exaggerated in their own minds.  Or even if they are just taking more time because it makes them feel beautiful, who was I to ever think I was better because I would just leave the house?

  I take a lot more time to leave the house the majority of the time now.  Even if my hair is lying on my head easily I still feel ugly. I will take time to do my make up and pick out a nice outfit to help pull away from my perceived flaws. Most of the time no one is probably even aware of my issues but me.  I wonder now if some of the girls I always thought of as high maintenance were really just trying to mask the flaws they thought everyone would be paying attention to.  

I then wonder if I am vain that I care so much about what people might be thinking of if they see one of my patches.  I also feel ashamed of them sometimes like they somehow make me less of a person. 

 I went through a few week period this winter where I sincerely believed that there were first grade boys who had seen my large patch in the back of my head and were making fun of me in my daughter's lunchroom.  I am still not sure they weren't, as they would for a few weeks span jab at each other and then point at me each time they saw me and then laugh.   Even as I type that, I can see how pathetic it sounds, as if it matters what some 6 year old boys think of me. I hated that it bothered me the way it did.  The worst thought that plagued me was the idea that it might reflect badly on my daughter.  I had horrific visions of them saying something to her about how nasty her mom was.  

Eventually I stopped paying attention to them because I knew I was driving myself a little crazy and it was unacceptable.  That was around the same time I started making all these changes to become a more whole person.  It became clear to me that I had to start loving myself from the inside out.  Which I am really trying to do, but I struggle.

 I guess the point is that now this low maintenance girl is sometimes very worried what strangers are thinking or what they will be thinking in the future.  I get nervous about people staring at me that I don't know.  If my hair all falls out I wonder if they will think I am really sick with cancer or something and have misplaced pity.  I wonder if I will care more than I want to when I can't hide it anymore.

At first when this started happening I thought that I would get a wig if it got bad enough.  Now I am not so sure about that.  I have done some reading that suggests that the wigs can be damaging to the new hair growth.  I will probably end up getting some head wraps. To be honest though, I hope that I will love myself from the inside out enough that I will be bad ass enough to just go out with out any covering and not feel like I had to explain it to anyone.

Red Barn

I went on an amazing walk.  I walked about four miles around the block near my house.  I made sure to stop and take pictures when I saw things that jumped out at me.  The picture I loved the most was this small barn by this tree.  It embodies everything I love about living in my small town.

The farm community, the peace, the way things can stay the same even as everything is changing around it.  

I have lived here in this small town most of my life.  I am enjoying looking at it through  a new scope.  Trying to find beauty in the things I pass almost every day without really thinking about them. Really being aware of my surroundings and realizing how they are a part of me.

My husband and I also went walking together this evening.  I really enjoy when him and I are able to walk just the two of us.  It gives us time to talk and enjoy each others company.  He even encouraged me to walk across some rocks under a bridge like I haven't since I was around 12.  I don't think I would have done that without him there.  I will be glad when things start to dry up so we can explore more areas.

I love the nice weather so very much!  I am looking forward to when it gets a little warmer and we can have fires and picnics.  I also have a desk I am going to start working on refinishing at the beginning of May.  So that is something I will be taking pictures of to show you guys too. 

Enjoy this beautiful weather!

A Journey of Self Discovery

Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.

Plato

I have been exploring different types of music that I have never really given a chance.  For the past week I have been driving around listening to classical music as well as playing various music off of youtube.   So far my favorite thing I have come across is Albinoni- Adagio in g minor.   

A good friend of mine texted me this past week asking me if I had interest in some music I had never heard of.  I told her to go ahead and send it, that I was on a Journey of Self Discovery.  Which really seems to sum it all up. In every aspect of my life I am trying to look deeper within and see what I have passion for.  I am trying to fill my life with things and experiences I love.

 I am trying to figure out all the things I really enjoy and then I plan to do them.  By myself, with my family, with my friends...it doesn't matter to me how I do these things as long as I am out there living. I have spent years of my life sitting on the sidelines and I want to get into the game so to speak. 

I want to know what I love and what I hate.  I don't want to assume I will like or not like something based off someone else's experiences.  I have lived so much of my life listening to other people tell me about amazing things they are doing and encouraging them to go out and do what they love.  Somewhere along the line I forgot to go out and do what I love.  I neglected it so much that I don't even know what I love or what I like even for the most part, but I am starting to learn more about me.

Over the past six weeks I have grown to know that I love photographing nature and writing about it.  I enjoy walking and listening to music of all kinds.  I find comfort in helping the people I love.  I enjoy meeting new people and learning about them.   I still love lemon water.  I find peace in simple things more than I expected to.  The more I learn about myself the less I worry about what I look like, I am so much more focused on who I am instead.  I am ready to start really trying things I don't have a lot of experience in. 

I feel so grateful to have a husband who is completely supportive of helping me figure that out.  I told him I wanted to go out and have new experiences and he encouraged me to go out and have them.  I am signing up for a class to teach me how to crochet as well as an adult art class.  They are offered by the town of Hamlin and are relatively cheap which makes me happy.  The art class is four classes for $35.00 and the crocheting is $25 for 6 sessions.  I am excited because one runs through May and the other runs through June and July.  So I will have a night each week to go learn something new.    I am also still going to the meditation circle each week.  

I have not felt this happy in a really long time.  I feel like I am reconnecting with the path I was always meant to be on and I love it.  Sometimes I stress about the new areas of hair loss that keep popping up.  I have started to allow myself a moment to feel that and except that it bothers me but then to take a deep breath and focus instead on one of the new things I am doing and feeling passionate about.

Poetry in Motion

Stand up straight
Knotted base

Limbs twisted

Fighting each other

Ever reaching

For the perfection of the heavens

The freedom of space

Always eluding your arms entangled 

a quiet blue perfection

written by:

Casey Lloyd

Some of you may know that when I was younger I used to write all the time.  I would have a notebook with me at all times, sometimes several.  I remember going through a phase where I had different notebooks and journals for different subject matter. I was somewhat obsessed with getting the ideas that were in my head down on paper. (I guess as much as things change, some things still stay the same.)  I have written thousands of poems and always found it to be something that brought me peace as well as helping me to process the experiences I have endured.  Maybe I am using this blog in a similar way.

As I began to raise my family at some point I stopped writing, I am sure it had to do with the chaos of having young children in the house as well as various health issues leaving me creatively blocked.  I would try to sit down and express myself, but most times nothing would come to me.  It was one of things I always felt I was pretty good at so when I was no longer able to do it I felt as if I lost a piece of myself.

 As I have worked at eating healthier and making better decisions for myself I have noticed a brain fog lifting.  I have started to want to do more, to experience more, to feel I am living a full life.  I have also started writing again.  I am not only working on this blog I am writing in notebooks again, which is deeply exciting to me.  I am having ideas and feelings that I am able to put into poetic form again. 

I am finding I like to write with the pictures I take on my walks.  I gave you guys an example up above.  It is fitting to me that I have been a bit enthralled by nature lately because as I was growing up I was obsessed with Emily Dickinson but never wrote much about nature myself.  Writing about nature seems to make me feel connection with my youth.

I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful weather.

Feel free to leave the name of your favorite poem and author in the comments so I can check it out...or better yet write your own bit of poetry if you feel like it!

1 Month and Beyond

Sorry my blogging hasn't been as frequent, with the kids home for spring break things have just been so much more hectic.  We have been busy with sleep overs, bowling, coloring eggs all the crazy things that make up spring break.  We still have a bit more to do so don't be surprised if you don't here from me till Monday.

My eating healthy has been going about the same and I am feeling great.  Once the kids get back to school, I definitely need to start experimenting with recipes again.  I have done okay with my eating but I haven't been encouraging them to try enough this break.

The kids are so excited to be able to go outside, as we all are!!  I sat on our deck and read while I watched my youngest swinging in the sun.  We were all in such a wonderful mood.  I know there is always talk about how dark and gloomy Rochester area can be, but I have been thinking that in some ways it makes the sun more special here.  We don't take for granted how beautiful and warm the sun is.  We all embrace it with open hearts.  We lift our heads toward the sky and let the warmth radiate down on us.  I am not sure that people everywhere feel quite the way we do.

I went to meditation again this week and I really enjoyed it again and have decided that it is definitely something I will continue to do each week.  I find such a sense of peace being there.  I feel like it grounds me as a person a little bit.

I have found myself worrying a lot less about my hair.  I still have new patches popping up, but the older ones seem to be filling in with hair.  Some days I am doing so well that I think that it doesn't even matter what happens with my hair.  The more I take the time to learn about who I am the less important it seems to be.

I am having so much fun figuring out simple things about myself.  For instance when I try a new food, taking the time to really let myself discover about it, is it salty, is it sweet.  Do the flavors taste agreeable to me.  If they don't what flavors could I mix with it to make it enjoyable.  I realize that this is probably a pretty simple concept for most people but I never have done it.  So it is new to me..

I am also trying to read different books then I ever have before, as well as taking pictures of things from different angles.  I guess over all I am trying to experience life in a brand new way.  When we took a walk after dinner, I took pictures standing and kneeling, climbing close to trees.  The photo above is a shot I took.  I like taking nature pictures to go with my blog.  It is fun.

This beginning of spring is full of renewal and new life in nature and for me and my family.  My next adventure needs to be to start looking into my garden.  As soon as the kids get back to school I am going to go find seedlings and figure out what I have to do even if it is just a few vegetables!

Hope you are all enjoying spring break as much as I am!!