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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

7 Years



7 years is a long time to be out of the work force.  I go back in today and I am excited.  It will be good to make money for the family again and nice to be around people. I am nervous about silly things, you know like what happens if I have to go to the bathroom?  I probably will have to ask permission....that is a really strange thing to think about.  Then I worry, what if the people I work with don't like me?  That is actually my old way of thinking though, and I am trying to correct that.  I am a really friendly, capable person so if they don't like me it is probably on them.  One of the things I am striving to do is to not let myself be defined by other people's perceptions of me.

I feel grateful to have been able to stay at home with my family for all these years.  A lot of people never get to do that.  I can't believe how fast 7 years goes by.  So much has changed in my life since I last held a job.  7 years ago we were living in  a trailer.  I was pregnant for my youngest but she hadn't yet arrived.  My son was five and my oldest daughter was 8.  I drove a car instead of a minivan!!  My grandpa was still alive and he and my grandma were still living in their house.  Things were very different.

We as a family have had many changes in that time just like every family I guess.  We have had our successes and our losses.  I just mostly am so happy that no matter what happened I was there for it all.

The great thing about this job is that I only have to be there part time.  During the school year the kids won't even be aware of my absence for the most part because I will be at work while they are at school.  I will still be available to help with homework and to drive to practices.  I will still be there when they get off the bus excited or sad.  I like to be the first person to hear about their day and lucky for me that is isn't going to change.

I am nervous and excited to see what this new change brings! Here's to the next 7 years!!!
Wish me luck!




Monday, May 18, 2015

After


So this is the mostly finished version.  I have one more coat of wax to do on top but other than that it is all finished.  I am mostly pleased with this for my first try doing something like this. There are some areas that don't look perfect but I don't think that anyone else would notice them except for me. I am glad to know that waxing is so much easier than I anticipated.  I can't wait for the wax to cure so I can start working on my bedroom.  

The steps I took to achieve this look are as follows.

I started by cleaning the piece with odorless mineral spirits. As you can tell from the before picture it was very nicotine stained even after I cleaned so I was a little nervous as I waited an hour for the mineral spirits to dry. 



Before I began painting I had to first use 220 sand paper on the top of the desk because it was made of Formica and I wanted to use less coats of the chalk paint.



I then started on my first coat of Annie Sloan Chalk Paint.  I chose Old White because I thought it would compliment the style of the desk.  I have to say I still feel the same way I really like the way it looks.  


I used this Annie Sloan brush to apply the paint.  I invested in this more expensive brush because I plan to do a lot more pieces in the upcoming months and I have heard that these brushes if treated well last forever!


Next was the finishing step of using the Annie Sloan Soft Wax.  This is the step I am almost finished with.  I just need to do one more coat and I am finished.


This is the wax brush that I used. Again I invested a little extra money to get a good brush that would hold up well.

That is how I had my desk go from:

To this:















Before


I have been working on this desk for a few weeks now.  I purchased it back in the late fall and thought all winter about fixing it up.  This picture is the before. In a couple of days I will be all set to show you guys the after.  I am going to put the first coat of wax on this afternoon and the last tomorrow after my first day of work.  Then it should be done.  

I have to say it has been harder than I imagined in my head, but I like the groove that I get into when I am working on it.  I find it kind of peaceful working on an even paint job and then sanding between coats.  

I also like the idea of taking something that was looking old and worn out and making it new.  I have hopes of learning different refinishing techniques so I can build rooms around pieces of furniture. The idea I have for this desk is redoing my room in French Provincial.  I have a pretty good vision coming into view in my mind.  I  am hoping I can pull it off. 

Lots to do today.  Hope you guys have a great day!! 

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Poetry and Painting




I started my new painting class which is a whole lot of fun.  I am terrible at it as you can see but I am enjoying learning about lines and depth.  It is a lot of fun and I have even started sketching a little bit.  This is a picture I drew of a jug.

While it is no where near perfect I am really proud of the progress I made in just a short time.  I am enjoying learning about something I don't know anything about.  It is truly so much fun.

I also went last night to a reading a friend of mine did of his writing. He was so brave and so talented.  I was very inspired by it and I started thinking about how long it has been since I have written and shared any poetry of my own.   I wrote something this morning hope you guys like it:

It Is Right


There is a difference in the step
When walking with purpose
Happy
Head held up high
Forgetting to question myself
Feeling the sun on my face
Feeling beautiful
Having it run from the tip of my toes to the top of my head
Believing in me
Truly learning that the tiny imperfections are what make it interesting
Forgiving myself
For the for the times I wasn’t enough
For the times I didn’t know how to do anything but hide
Knowing that I alone would find the answers of who I could be

I can write
I can Paint
I can SIng
I can DANCE
I CAN SMILE
I can do any old thing I want to do and have peace with it
I don’t even have to be good at it
Or be the best at it
I can just be me
I am enough

I don’t have to live up to any labels they have affixed to me
I can climb out of the box and hang out on the ledge
I don’t have to self destruct
Or self medicate
I can grow with purpose
I can change the narrative
I did not know that
I thought I was stuck in the story I was in
 but I am not
I can be anything

It is okay to say I
It is okay to be selfish
It is okay to drink in cool breezes and powerful sunsets

It is okay to say NO
When I don’t feel like it
When something makes me uncomfortable
When my boundaries are not being respected

It is okay to say Yes
To something different
To meet new people who think about life differently
To step outside of my comfort zone
To try something new
To color outside of the lines

It is okay to be more than I ever dreamed possible
To be a loving wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend
To be obsessed with dreams and what they mean
Both literally and figuratively
To stare up at the sky and get consumed by it
It is okay to be lonely
It is okay to be in a crowd
It is okay to laugh as loud as I want
As hard as I want
It is okay to be right here where I am today

 In fact it is more than okay
         It is Right

Friday, April 17, 2015

Pleasantly Surprised



I had my shots and was beyond blown away when she told me that after my next appointment I may be able to switch to as needed.  In my head because I had small spots growing in different places I figured they were going to get bigger.  She told me that I shouldn't think that.  Instead she said it seems like the spots are coming in smaller and that maybe this next month there would be no new spots at all.

I am so excited about this.  I try not to get too overly hopeful in case it doesn't work out this way.  But I can't help it...when I think about it I get crazy happy.  Maybe I am seeing results after all.  I have to believe that things are going to get better from here.  Thank you guys for being there for the days when I am not so hopeful.  I won't say they won't happen anymore but perhaps they will be less frequent.

Hope you guys have an amazing day.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Appearances




I go for shots again tomorrow.  I am feeling somewhat disheartened about having them as there are many new growing areas where I am losing hair.  I don't like having the needles shoved into my head.  It is frustrating to me that even though I am trying to live a healthier life that it isn't changing my condition that I am able to detect yet.

 I think about stopping the shots and seeing if the hair grows back on it's own.  At least then I can spare myself the trauma of being poked all over my head every month.  As well as saving the money I pay each time I go. I know though that if the hair didn't fill in as it does with the shots I would feel more beaten down then I do now. So stopping doesn't really feel like an option.

People keep asking if the shots are working, when I say they are, people say that is great.  I always have to pause and say it is great...but...The but is that the shots do not stop my hair from falling out.  It only stimulates new growth.  Which means that in my estimation, if my hair keeps falling out the way it has been, that in the next year or so most of it will have fallen out and be in various stages of regrowth.  I can't imagine what that will look like.

I mostly have a good attitude about it.  What I wrote the past few days isn't bull shit.  I really am trying to keep myself focused on the things that are truly important, it is just sometimes I feel nervous about it. I feel nervous about how I will feel if it does all fall out. I wonder what I will look like if it is bald and then patches of growth all different lengths.

  I know the people who know me and love me aren't going to care about it.  They really aren't.  I don't worry so much abut that.  Which is a blessing to have people in my life that I know love me for me.  I am more nervous about what strangers will think.  Which is very different for me.



I have always said that I am not the type of girl who cares about what I look like or what people think of me.  I have never been a person who felt like I needed to do my hair and make up to run to the store.  I would say cavalierly that I was low maintenance.    I would throw on a sweatshirt and pull my hair back in a ponytail and be on my way.  I sort of want to punch past me in the face for not realizing that everyone isn't that lucky.  I was completely unaware that there were people out there who didn't have that option.  That it was not a simple choice to be low maintenance.

 It isn't to say that I regret that there was a time in my life that I felt comfortable in myself in my natural form.  It is more that now I understand people who take time before they leave the house to be more comfortable with flaws in their form whether they are real, imagined, or exaggerated in their own minds.  Or even if they are just taking more time because it makes them feel beautiful, who was I to ever think I was better because I would just leave the house?

  I take a lot more time to leave the house the majority of the time now.  Even if my hair is lying on my head easily I still feel ugly. I will take time to do my make up and pick out a nice outfit to help pull away from my perceived flaws. Most of the time no one is probably even aware of my issues but me.  I wonder now if some of the girls I always thought of as high maintenance were really just trying to mask the flaws they thought everyone would be paying attention to.  

I then wonder if I am vain that I care so much about what people might be thinking of if they see one of my patches.  I also feel ashamed of them sometimes like they somehow make me less of a person. 

 I went through a few week period this winter where I sincerely believed that there were first grade boys who had seen my large patch in the back of my head and were making fun of me in my daughter's lunchroom.  I am still not sure they weren't, as they would for a few weeks span jab at each other and then point at me each time they saw me and then laugh.   Even as I type that, I can see how pathetic it sounds, as if it matters what some 6 year old boys think of me. I hated that it bothered me the way it did.  The worst thought that plagued me was the idea that it might reflect badly on my daughter.  I had horrific visions of them saying something to her about how nasty her mom was.  

Eventually I stopped paying attention to them because I knew I was driving myself a little crazy and it was unacceptable.  That was around the same time I started making all these changes to become a more whole person.  It became clear to me that I had to start loving myself from the inside out.  Which I am really trying to do, but I struggle.

 I guess the point is that now this low maintenance girl is sometimes very worried what strangers are thinking or what they will be thinking in the future.  I get nervous about people staring at me that I don't know.  If my hair all falls out I wonder if they will think I am really sick with cancer or something and have misplaced pity.  I wonder if I will care more than I want to when I can't hide it anymore.

At first when this started happening I thought that I would get a wig if it got bad enough.  Now I am not so sure about that.  I have done some reading that suggests that the wigs can be damaging to the new hair growth.  I will probably end up getting some head wraps. To be honest though, I hope that I will love myself from the inside out enough that I will be bad ass enough to just go out with out any covering and not feel like I had to explain it to anyone.


Red Barn





I went on an amazing walk.  I walked about four miles around the block near my house.  I made sure to stop and take pictures when I saw things that jumped out at me.  The picture I loved the most was this small barn by this tree.  It embodies everything I love about living in my small town.
The farm community, the peace, the way things can stay the same even as everything is changing around it.  

I have lived here in this small town most of my life.  I am enjoying looking at it through  a new scope.  Trying to find beauty in the things I pass almost every day without really thinking about them. Really being aware of my surroundings and realizing how they are a part of me.

My husband and I also went walking together this evening.  I really enjoy when him and I are able to walk just the two of us.  It gives us time to talk and enjoy each others company.  He even encouraged me to walk across some rocks under a bridge like I haven't since I was around 12.  I don't think I would have done that without him there.  I will be glad when things start to dry up so we can explore more areas.

I love the nice weather so very much!  I am looking forward to when it gets a little warmer and we can have fires and picnics.  I also have a desk I am going to start working on refinishing at the beginning of May.  So that is something I will be taking pictures of to show you guys too. 

Enjoy this beautiful weather!




Tuesday, April 14, 2015

A Journey of Self Discovery

Plato

I have been exploring different types of music that I have never really given a chance.  For the past week I have been driving around listening to classical music as well as playing various music off of youtube.   So far my favorite thing I have come across is Albinoni- Adagio in g minor.   

A good friend of mine texted me this past week asking me if I had interest in some music I had never heard of.  I told her to go ahead and send it, that I was on a Journey of Self Discovery.  Which really seems to sum it all up. In every aspect of my life I am trying to look deeper within and see what I have passion for.  I am trying to fill my life with things and experiences I love.

 I am trying to figure out all the things I really enjoy and then I plan to do them.  By myself, with my family, with my friends...it doesn't matter to me how I do these things as long as I am out there living. I have spent years of my life sitting on the sidelines and I want to get into the game so to speak. 

I want to know what I love and what I hate.  I don't want to assume I will like or not like something based off someone else's experiences.  I have lived so much of my life listening to other people tell me about amazing things they are doing and encouraging them to go out and do what they love.  Somewhere along the line I forgot to go out and do what I love.  I neglected it so much that I don't even know what I love or what I like even for the most part, but I am starting to learn more about me.

Over the past six weeks I have grown to know that I love photographing nature and writing about it.  I enjoy walking and listening to music of all kinds.  I find comfort in helping the people I love.  I enjoy meeting new people and learning about them.   I still love lemon water.  I find peace in simple things more than I expected to.  The more I learn about myself the less I worry about what I look like, I am so much more focused on who I am instead.  I am ready to start really trying things I don't have a lot of experience in. 

I feel so grateful to have a husband who is completely supportive of helping me figure that out.  I told him I wanted to go out and have new experiences and he encouraged me to go out and have them.  I am signing up for a class to teach me how to crochet as well as an adult art class.  They are offered by the town of Hamlin and are relatively cheap which makes me happy.  The art class is four classes for $35.00 and the crocheting is $25 for 6 sessions.  I am excited because one runs through May and the other runs through June and July.  So I will have a night each week to go learn something new.    I am also still going to the meditation circle each week.  

I have not felt this happy in a really long time.  I feel like I am reconnecting with the path I was always meant to be on and I love it.  Sometimes I stress about the new areas of hair loss that keep popping up.  I have started to allow myself a moment to feel that and except that it bothers me but then to take a deep breath and focus instead on one of the new things I am doing and feeling passionate about.



Monday, April 13, 2015

Poetry in Motion



Stand up straight
Knotted base
Limbs twisted
Fighting each other
Ever reaching
For the perfection of the heavens

The freedom of space
Always eluding your arms entangled 
a quiet blue perfection

written by:
Casey Lloyd


Some of you may know that when I was younger I used to write all the time.  I would have a notebook with me at all times, sometimes several.  I remember going through a phase where I had different notebooks and journals for different subject matter. I was somewhat obsessed with getting the ideas that were in my head down on paper. (I guess as much as things change, some things still stay the same.)  I have written thousands of poems and always found it to be something that brought me peace as well as helping me to process the experiences I have endured.  Maybe I am using this blog in a similar way.

As I began to raise my family at some point I stopped writing, I am sure it had to do with the chaos of having young children in the house as well as various health issues leaving me creatively blocked.  I would try to sit down and express myself, but most times nothing would come to me.  It was one of things I always felt I was pretty good at so when I was no longer able to do it I felt as if I lost a piece of myself.

 As I have worked at eating healthier and making better decisions for myself I have noticed a brain fog lifting.  I have started to want to do more, to experience more, to feel I am living a full life.  I have also started writing again.  I am not only working on this blog I am writing in notebooks again, which is deeply exciting to me.  I am having ideas and feelings that I am able to put into poetic form again. 

I am finding I like to write with the pictures I take on my walks.  I gave you guys an example up above.  It is fitting to me that I have been a bit enthralled by nature lately because as I was growing up I was obsessed with Emily Dickinson but never wrote much about nature myself.  Writing about nature seems to make me feel connection with my youth.

I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful weather.

Feel free to leave the name of your favorite poem and author in the comments so I can check it out...or better yet write your own bit of poetry if you feel like it!









Friday, April 3, 2015

1 Month and Beyond



Sorry my blogging hasn't been as frequent, with the kids home for spring break things have just been so much more hectic.  We have been busy with sleep overs, bowling, coloring eggs all the crazy things that make up spring break.  We still have a bit more to do so don't be surprised if you don't here from me till Monday.

My eating healthy has been going about the same and I am feeling great.  Once the kids get back to school, I definitely need to start experimenting with recipes again.  I have done okay with my eating but I haven't been encouraging them to try enough this break.

The kids are so excited to be able to go outside, as we all are!!  I sat on our deck and read while I watched my youngest swinging in the sun.  We were all in such a wonderful mood.  I know there is always talk about how dark and gloomy Rochester area can be, but I have been thinking that in some ways it makes the sun more special here.  We don't take for granted how beautiful and warm the sun is.  We all embrace it with open hearts.  We lift our heads toward the sky and let the warmth radiate down on us.  I am not sure that people everywhere feel quite the way we do.

I went to meditation again this week and I really enjoyed it again and have decided that it is definitely something I will continue to do each week.  I find such a sense of peace being there.  I feel like it grounds me as a person a little bit.

I have found myself worrying a lot less about my hair.  I still have new patches popping up, but the older ones seem to be filling in with hair.  Some days I am doing so well that I think that it doesn't even matter what happens with my hair.  The more I take the time to learn about who I am the less important it seems to be.

I am having so much fun figuring out simple things about myself.  For instance when I try a new food, taking the time to really let myself discover about it, is it salty, is it sweet.  Do the flavors taste agreeable to me.  If they don't what flavors could I mix with it to make it enjoyable.  I realize that this is probably a pretty simple concept for most people but I never have done it.  So it is new to me..

I am also trying to read different books then I ever have before, as well as taking pictures of things from different angles.  I guess over all I am trying to experience life in a brand new way.  When we took a walk after dinner, I took pictures standing and kneeling, climbing close to trees.  The photo above is a shot I took.  I like taking nature pictures to go with my blog.  It is fun.

This beginning of spring is full of renewal and new life in nature and for me and my family.  My next adventure needs to be to start looking into my garden.  As soon as the kids get back to school I am going to go find seedlings and figure out what I have to do even if it is just a few vegetables!

Hope you are all enjoying spring break as much as I am!!

Monday, March 30, 2015

Sunday Funday (29)


Before I get started I wanted to share with you guys a couple of head bands I found that I really like. I got them on clearance for $2.72 at CVS the other day.  I was really excited.  These are great because they cover the spots in the front of my head well without exposing the large spot that takes up most of the back of the left side of my head.

Today was a busy day, the kids are extremely excited that it is spring break so we started it off right.  First in the early afternoon my youngest had a play date and in the early evening my nieces came over for a sleep over.  There is just something about having the kids together that just makes my heart swell.

It is also a lot of people! So we ordered a sheet pizza for everyone.  I was initially a little tempted to partake in the pizza party but I felt a little off and decided to forgo it and have a roasted chicken breast instead.  I had a bit of a funky stomach so I decided not to tempt fate and to stick with something easy on my stomach.   Awhile later I felt sort of like I would like a slice but decided to just munch on a few pieces of pepperoni instead.  At that point I figured I had already had dinner so that would be a healthier choice.

I had an interesting sense of accomplishment knowing I treated myself but didn't go over board.  Besides Easter is coming and for that day I am giving myself no rules.  I think everyone needs a break once in awhile and that will be my little break.

I have been trying to come up with fun activities for the kids to do on break.  I am thinking I will take them bowling and possibly to check out Sky Zone.  It is so hard to find things to do that they will all enjoy when they are all different age ranges.  My son keeps joking that I should take my girls to a movie and him to the Bahamas.  Living in New York this time of year I have to say his idea sounds amazing!


Sunday, March 29, 2015

Home Made Applesauce (26,27,28)

I am sorry for the time away.  Things got very busy for a few days.  I try to post everyday but I have to be realistic that sometimes it might be every couple days or even every three days like now.  

I am doing really well.  I have really transitioned into this healthy eating lifestyle quite nicely.  Although I have to admit my sweet tooth has been making me feel a little antsy lately and I really wanted to do something to curb the wanting a little bit.  I decided I would look up how to make applesauce on my own,  As I looked, I decided I would kind of throw things together and use what I read as a very basic guideline.  So this is my very simple recipe for making homemade applesauce that I came up with.  



Ingredients:

Apples (3lbs)
Nutmeg (1/4 tsp)
Cinnamon (1 tbsp)
Apple Pie Spice (1tsp)

Peel or don't peel your apple to start (I didn't)
Core and slice each apple into 8 pieces
Put apples in crockpot
sprinkle seasonings on top
Cover and cook on high for 3 to 4 hours (I did 3 hours and 45 min)

I used an immersion blender to blend my applesauce 
This one

You could also use a blender but be careful not to over do it


This was my final product and I loved it!

I had a ton of fun with this recipe and I know now that I figured out how to do it, and how easy it is, that I will be doing it all the time,.It is so much cheaper than buying the jar stuff from the store and I know exactly what is going into it. I also read it stays good for up to 3 days...but I don't think mine will last that long!!



This is the back of a jar that I have in my fridge that the kids have been eating...I am going to try so hard to switch them over, There really is a bunch of junk in there!

A little note on the immersion blender, this was my first time using it.  I think it is amazing.  I love having all these new tools to make cooking new recipes more fun.  It is great.

I have also been working on my couponing.  I spent Thursday cutting out inserts and internet prints and getting them all into my binder for the first time in months.  It is a very tedious job but really helps me to save so much money.  I am hoping starting in April that I can continue blogging this way but also add in deals as well.

It has occurred to me that since I started this blog that I have been living less inside my head and more in the actual real world.  It is helping me get back to a normal life and I find myself not secluding myself as much.  Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.  It really means a lot to me.  I can't believe it has been almost a month since I started this whole journey. 

I hope you guys are having a great weekend!






Thursday, March 26, 2015

Day 25 When Life Gives You Lemons



Today was one of those days that you can't believe you were ever in a funk in the first place.  I was in the groove and I truly felt like I was making lemonade out of my bitter situation.  I had to go get blood work done in the morning.  It was fasting so I didn't get my cup of coffee or my lemon water.  I had a plan though, I was going to bring my coffee in a travel mug for once my blood work was finished.  You know what they say about the best laid schemes of mice and men....wouldn't you know I get half way there and realize I left my travel mug on the counter.

I decided to not let that influence my attitude of the day.  I walked into the lab with a smile on my face and I meant it.  Blood work doesn't really bother me, I have been poked and hooked up to IV bags so many times in my lifetime that a pin prick to get some blood seems like a bit of a joke to me.  The thing I generally don't like about it is that I have always had terrible veins.  When ever I go to get blood drawn or have needed an IV in the past they have had a terrible time finding my vein which leads me to have giant bruises all over my arm or sometimes arms depending if the tech gives up and decides to start on another arm.  I am used to it though it has always sort of come with the territory.  Until now! Today the girl found my vein instantaneously, I didn't even feel it when she put the needle in.  I will not have giant bruises this time.  I told her she was amazing, that she was the best tech ever!  

As I was driving away, I started wondering about what was different.  I have a few different conclusions, one was that my diet is better and the other is that I consuming a ton of water these days.  I think that has made all the difference for me I would often get the IV bags due to dehydration so apparently guzzling water is having a positive impact on by body.

I have also been trying to get back into couponing a little bit.  Yesterday I had a pretty good deal at CVS.  I was happy, I am feeling less like hiding in my house and feeling more like I want to get out and experience new things.  As I try these new foods and have these new experiences I keep thinking there is so much out there I am not experiencing in life.

I have decided to try not only to rid my life of fear when trying new foods.  I have decided to embrace life and try new things in general.  So tonight after watching on Facebook for a few weeks...actually six, I have been watching this group for six weeks!!  I decided to stop thinking about going and actually go.

  I went to the World Peace Meditation Circle up in Brockport.  This week the focus was on Overtone Chanting which I was a little nervous to experience because it was outside my realm of comfort.  I almost let they be an excuse to wait until next week.  The old me would have done just that and I am so glad I didn't.  I really enjoyed getting out and being around new and different people.  I loved that there was a woman there who shared her time, energy, and knowledge with a group free of charge.  I found the chanting to be calming and also exhilarating which sounds contradictory but I don't know how else to explain it.  I loved feeling the vibrations and hearing all the different tones around me.

What types of activities have you gone out and done that were outside your realm of comfort that you ended up enjoying?  I would love to hear about them in your comments for new ideas!

As for my nutrition today, it was spot on.  I didn't have any cheats.  I am feeling so amazing. I find as I fill my head with different experiences and new ideas I am focusing less on my outside appearance.  I feel for the first time in years I am growing and I love it.


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Day 24 Having a plan



I have taken a great liking to left overs.  For some people that is no big deal, but I used to pretty much throw everything out.  I'm not proud of how wasteful we were as a family, but the truth is even when I packed it up with the intention of reheating it, a week later I would be tossing the food in the garbage and scrubbing a ton of Tupperware.  

These days I save everything I can.  I find that having an already prepared meal to use makes things a lot simpler and than I am only focusing my energy to come up with one unique idea a day.  The nice part is sometimes I over cook so I can have a few different selections to choose from.

Today I had left over turkey and vegetables.  I  liked my vegetables so well that I ended up saving more of that turkey for another day.  I find it is helpful to have a good lunch.  I used to eat not very scheduled meals and found myself snacking a ton through out the day.  It was always terrible snacks as well, think m&ms, chips, or any other terrible snack you can think of.  This helps me to not want to snack so badly and if I do I will grab a handful of raisins or cashews.  In the evenings I will often have popcorn for a snack but I am truly feeling a little tired of it so I am going to try something new.  either Kale Chips or Carrot Chips.  I will let you know how they turn out!

I find having a plan to try new things keeps me focused on something other than my issues.  

Progress:  Feeling better going strong
Notes: find more snack ideas


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Day 23 Riding out the storm

“It is life, I think, to watch the water. A man can learn so many things.” 
― Nicholas SparksThe Notebook

I am learning for the first time to flow with the emotion of the day, to let it wash over you, to except where you are until you are capable of moving forth from that emotion.  I have spent so many times alone in a room when I was hurting instead of embracing that grief and sadness are just as much a part of me as laughter and happiness.  It isn't something that is meant to be experienced alone.  I don't think any of life is. Our Lady Peace has this song Are You Sad, "Are you sad? Are you locked in your room? Are you holding yourself? You shouldn't be."  I have loved that song since the first time I heard it, but have just recently started to understand that no one should be broken and alone.

In the past when I have gone through hard times I have completely drawn into myself.  It is refreshing to see that when you put yourself out there that people truly can be good and kind.  I have had some different suggestions I have found very helpful.  Thank you all for being there the way you have,

Monday I didn't wake up in the perfect place but by time I had went to bed I had laughed until I cried so it felt like a pretty good day.  I have a bunch of amazing friends and family who check in on me.  They send me things that know will make me laugh and smile.  It truly is helpful.

It was super easy for me to stay on track with eating healthy because I was super busy.  My husband and kids went back to school and work so I was able to catch up on all the house work.  I also had some light grocery shopping and went to see my gram at the home.

I made a roast turkey breast and vegetables for dinner.  I had so many vegetables that I was full most of the night.    I love that I am starting to enjoy all of things I make,  I also love that people are sharing recipes and ideas with me.  I am going to try next week to make cauliflower pizza crust, and a chocolate mousse out of avocado. In fact in my head I have already altered the recipe for the avocado mousse to freeze it in ice cube trays and turn it into ice cream.

After dinner I made brownies with my son, he wanted to practice baking, he is going to be baking a cake at school.  The best part about this was that I wasn't even tempted to have any.  I had treats days earlier but I still wasn't feeling deprived in any way.  Those of you who told me to let myself indulge every once in a while were definitely on the right track!

Progress: Going strong and my mood has lifted


Monday, March 23, 2015

21, 22 Better late than never


I needed a few mental health days.  I have been in a serious funk. Here are some flowers in case you are in a mood too!

Maybe it is the fact that this winter just won't freaking end or maybe this hair issue is the straw that has broken the camel's back (that camel being me). It is sometimes damn near impossible to keep my head up.  I haven't written because I like to keep this blog on a somewhat happy note and I am not feeling that at all.  I am feeling like 20 years of various illnesses and health issues that are rare, unheard of, or impossible to cure is just about more than I can take.  To put it mildly, I am so sick of it.

That being said, I gave myself some time to wallow in my own self pity, and now I am moving on from it.  Even if I did have a couple of moments this weekend when I sincerely considered Brittany Spears-ing my hair.  I figured if I shaved it all off perhaps the growing bald spots would all just blend together.  Unfortunately due to having the shots it would be all full of divots. So then I would be bald and misshaped and I just can't see myself pulling that off.  So instead I ask for you guys, if you feel inclined to post your favorite headband and hat ideas in your comments.

As for my journey in the world of healthier eating  this weekend was a bit interesting for me.

 Saturday throughout the day I was able to keep my healthy eating on track for most of the day.  I wasn't feeling well Saturday and I ended up having a slice of pizza and a couple of boneless wings that my hubby had picked up for dinner because I wasn't going to cook.  I thought it would taste so amazing which it did for the first couple of bites but then it mostly tasted greasy.  I think that will help with me wanting pizza anytime soon.  I think I prefer my treats to be in the sweet instead of the greasy.

I woke up Sunday feeling so sad.  It started after I took my shower and realized that soon I won't be able to cover up my spots without a hat or some really crafty headband.  It really made me feel upset.  I couldn't stop crying.  It is making me feel sad even typing about it.  I don't really consider myself a vain person but the idea of someone seeing my spots makes me feel sick to my stomach.

The good news is that I made it back on track with the healthy eating.  It is becoming routine enough that I don't really feel bothered by it so much anymore.  I have also found if I allow myself indulgences now and then it tends to make me stop thinking about that bad food so much.   I also like using all my left over veggies for lunch the next day.   

I am sorry this isn't more upbeat, hopefully Monday's recap will be more my normal / positive self.

Progress: Getting closer to a month long journey and I feel some things are becoming habits.
Notes:  Research kick ass Hats and Headbands



Saturday, March 21, 2015

19 & 20 I scream, You Scream.....


I am combining two days into one because my hubby and kids have been home so I have been focusing on the family. I have done pretty well for the most part but today I did cheat and have half a cup of ice cream.  Real wonderful creamy ice cream.  This came after the failed attempt of using non sweetened Greek yogurt in my Dessert Bullet the night before.

It was pretty pathetic.  Thursday I bought non sweetened Greek Oikos yogurt.  I separated it into ice cube trays and put it in the freezer.  I was really excited to try making my fake ice cream.  So when it was time I ground up my cashews in the Nutri Bullet and chopped up my square of dark chocolate.  Unfortunately when I ran the ingredients they came out less than stellar.  I should have added the banana with the yogurt, split it fifty fifty.  But I didn't and the result was awful.  I was pretty devastated.

Fast forward to tonight and let's just say I was a little on the tired side of things not tasting as I had expected.  I guess I have decided that once every now and then a cheat will be required for the simple reason of I just can't handle it anymore.  I made sure to choose an ice cream with as little ingredients as possible.


I thought I might feel upset with myself but I didn't.  This wasn't an emotional treat for me, unless I consider exhausting all substitutions as emotional in which case I guess it was.  It really came down to the fact that I wanted ice cream and that nothing I had tried was helping ease that craving.  Now that I have satisfied it, I don't think I will be struggling as much.


I hope you all are enjoying your weekend.

Progress:  Still doing well with avoiding grain but sugar won this round 
Notes: Research something that is actually palatable to replace ice cream

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Day 18 Craving Conquered


It was strange, I had hoped that I would wake up after the terrible cravings and feel better.  This blog is about being honest for me and the truth is, I wasn't.  I stuck to my morning routine but still just wanted something sweet.  I specifically spent the day wanted ice cream.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.  It made me feel crazy and I was not going to be content with a fruit sorbet the way I had last week.

I decided to make up my own recipe for the dessert bullet.  Some healthy alternative to the Hagen Daz I was craving like a crazy person.  I used 1 banana, ground up cashew, and a square of dark chocolate, and vanilla.


I used a square of this.  I am not a huge banana fan so I knew this would be a little tough on me.  I could absolutely taste the banana but I could also get the richness from the chocolate and the cashews.  It was actually really tasty but the banana was a bit over powering.  I think in the future I might use a few ice cube tray squares of frozen plain greek yogurt and half of banana.  The amazing part was that I could not even finish it, nor did I need to.  It was amazing, a small treat and my craving was gone.  I don't even feel the least bit guilty.  

I am curious to your favorite guilt free desserts.  

Progress: feeling good
Notes: find other treat ideas that are actually good for me


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Day 17 "Secret Sauce"


I am writing this the morning after the 17th day.  I had a bit of rough night last night.  Which isn't too big of a surprise for me because it was....you guessed it, pasta night.  I have pinpointed that that particular meal must be the one I miss the most because I am having the hardest time dealing with it.

I thought I would be a lot better off this time because I had a plan.  I decided I would skip trying any fake pasta vegetable dishes and that I would make a chicken and turn it into chicken parm.  I had already brainstormed the way that I would deal with the fact I couldn't have breading.  I decided I would try to use almond flour and freshly milled almonds and eggs to try to make a crust.  It worked out okay but to be honest it was really dense.  I have some ideas on how I would do it differently next time to make it so it wasn't so heavy and had a bit more flavor.  I am not sure what I was thinking but I didn't even add Italian seasonings to the fake breading I was making so I am not sure what I was expecting.  My sauce tasted delicious to me as always.

After dinner it hit me, of course my sauce tasted delicious like always, I used the same jar sauce I always used, last time I had used sauce from Wegmans that was ingredient friendly..this was not that sauce.  I decided not to be too hard on myself, it was a slip and I am fully aware that as you try to make changes in your lifestyle that mistakes are going to happen.

What I was unprepared for were the cravings that would be sparked.  This was spaghetti sauce I had ingested not a Snickers bar.  With the intense cravings, I decided to do a comparison of Rinaldi sauce and a Snickers bar.  There are 8g of sugar in the sauce and 11g in the candy.  I don't know about you but I am pretty disgusted thinking about it.
It is no wonder  I started thinking of every terrible food that I used to love and couldn't eat.  In my head I contemplated throwing it all away, eating a ton of crap food but I thought of the hair that had began growing on its own and stayed strong. I had some grapes, NOT THE SAME THING!!!

It was also an aha moment for me.  I realized just how absolutely addictive sugar is. I have read a ton of articles about it, but to experience it that way was a real eye opener for me.  I am going to try to stick with my natural sugars that come from fruit and honey.

So I revised my plan for the next time I make sauce to include being careful of the kind of sauce I use.  This is all just a work in progress but I know I can do it.

Progress: Dust yourself off and get up again. back on track
Notes: Sauce is full of sugar dummy (specifically Rinaldi)

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Days 16 Hellraiser has nothing on me

Old Train Tracks by my house


Okay the title is a bit over dramatic but I did have needles shoved in my head today so I am allowed to draw comparisons to late 80's horror flicks!  In spite of that I had a pretty good day.  My Dr. said that it was promising that I have spots that lose hair and then start growing hair again on their own.  On the other hand there were several new spots she had to shove needles into that were not growing hair but I am still hopeful.

Today was pretty awesome because my husband had off of work and we were able to go for a walk and he was there to support me at my appointment because he is amazing like that!  We also went shopping together and he helped me to pick out awesome vegetables to roast for dinner.


This is what we ended up with.  It is mushrooms, green beans, sugar snap peas, and asparagus.  I had raw sugar snap peas at lunch and decided they weren't exactly my favorite....but roasted this way with Worcester sauce....AMAZING.  I also have found that I love asparagus.  Today was my first time trying it and it is delicious.  My uncle has told me for years how wonderful it is and I really wish I had listened to him.  I suppose I will find this to be the case with a lot more foods before this is all said and done.  Today was a new milestone for me, I liked my side dish of vegetables more than any other part of dinner.

My question is, which foods do you find best raw and which are best cooked?  I know it is really all just opinion but I am curious!  

Progress: Eating well and some of my hair is coming back on it's own
Notes:  I guess I don't have any except maybe buy more asparagus!

Monday, March 16, 2015

Day 15 Goals

"Strength does not come from physical capacity.  It comes from an indomitable will."
Mahatma Gandhi


Sundays seem to be a bit on the lazy side for me.  I did however go to the store to pick up some snacks for the kid's lunches. While I was there I found myself loading the cart with things for myself.  As I looked down at the various greens and other vegetables I had purchased I felt a sense of accomplishment.  If someone had told me a month ago that I would be successfully navigating this journey I would have told them they were crazy.

It is amazing what can be accomplished when you set your mind to it.  I am the type of person who can easily do what I set my mind to, for a time.  Staying consistent has always been the struggle for me.  Those of you who really know me, know that while I was a smoker I quit cold turkey several times.  I quit for each of my 3 pregnancies, I quit for months at a time because I would wake up and just feel like it.  My problem was with staying quit.

There are a couple things that have helped me stay quit this time, one is that the people around me are no longer smoking so it is much easier not to pick the habit back up on a "bad" day.  Also this time  I actually won't call myself a non smoker yet.  I told myself that I would not give myself that title until I made it to 1 year successfully, because I have never done that.  I also have smaller goals and celebrate in my head a little on the 30th of each month.

In a way this blog is about mini goals for me.  Each day I successfully or unsuccessfully make it through I tell you guys about it.  My more long term goal is to make it 1 month without cheating by eating crazy processed food.  I am not sure I will make it there but I hope I will. For me each day is another step closer.  For me that is enough.

 Tomorrow I go for my next round of injections.  It has me a little frustrated that there are so many new spots popping up and that the one on the top of my head is a spot that gets a little more challenging to cover each day but I know this tool will pass.  I also know if it doesn't pass that my physical appearance does not define me.  I know that I am strong enough to push through anything that comes my way.

Progress:  Feeling great!
Notes: Set short term goal for new recipes
Find a long term fitness goal and work towards it.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Week 2 Putting Fear In My Rearview



When  I got up and weighed myself this morning I was pleasantly surprised to find that 6 pounds has disappeared from my waistline.  What an awesome added side effect to eating healthy.  What is nice about it is that I am eating whenever I feel like it so it is pretty exciting to see weight loss.

Today was a fun day, I took my girls to get haircuts.  For my youngest it was her first time.  The fact she made it to 6 convincing me to allow her not to get a haircut is a testament to how strong willed she is.  It was definitely bittersweet to watch my baby girl become a little kid right before my very eyes. What was pretty comical was after the first snip of scissors she completely relaxed. I guess she realized that the idea she had built up in her head did not match up with the actuality.

 It got me to thinking about how from even a young age we let fear control us.  I have been a victim of one fear or another all my life.   Starting from little fears of the unknown and some fears that have grown until they are lying on my chest like a thousand pound boulder.  In some aspects my fear of the unknown probably grew into my fear of trying foods.

I could relate to my little one's fear of going to get a haircut because for months I have been struggling with the same fear.  I made her and I put that fear to bed at the same time because I don't think we should let the unknown stop us from great experiences.  I let the fear of being judged stop me from going in for a haircut. I went in today stronger, I believe because of this blog, and I enjoyed getting my haircut with my girls.  It was so much simpler than I anticipated, I just sat down in the chair and told the girl, "I have Alopecia Areata so don't be surprised when you stumble across bald spots or spots where hair is just starting to grow."  I am finding that I can help ease my fears when I take control of the situations that feel overwhelming to me.

The rest of the day was spent watching t.v. and munching on popcorn with the family.  I had a great Saturday!

Progress: 14 days down
Notes: Stare fear in the face!

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Day 13 on the 13th

My grain free pizza dough

Who knew that I could make something this delicious? Tonight I overcame what has previously always been a huge hurdle for me when trying to eat healthier.  I ordered pizza for the family but I didn't eat it.  Instead I made this wonderful dough for myself.  I used tapioca starch and almond flour as well as a ton of wonderful spices.  I added some sauce and cheese to it.  It was wonderful.  It was very dense so I was only able to eat 1 and 1/2 pieces.  Unfortunately I topped with cheese and ended up with an upset stomach so if I was to make it again I would instead make a garlic topping and skip the cheese all together.  

I was telling my husband that as much as I enjoyed eating this, that if I was going to feel this terrible after I would really not have a problem cutting these things out all together.  I have walked around for years feeling many different symptoms and not really putting together that it had something to do with my diet.  Feeling this way tonight is a reminder of why I am doing this for myself.  

I have been researching recipes like crazy and found interesting variations on food I like to eat.  So I guess my question to you all is what is your favorite recipe adaptation?

I can't believe tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I started this whole thing.  I have to say week two was definitely easier to overcome than week 1.  I decided tomorrow I will weigh in and see what eating this way has done to my waistline, while that is in no reason why I started this, as my clothes hang looser I am curious to where I am at this point.

Progress: Still going strong
Notes:  Keeping track of the things that make me feel ill so I can better tailor my diet to sensitivities.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Day 12 Swapping Bad For Good



I have found that as each day passes I am having an easier time making choices that fit this new and improved lifestyle I am trying to live.  One of the major changes I have made is that I eat breakfast each and every morning.  Probably most of you do this but skipping breakfast has become one of the most unhealthy habits I have adopted in my adult life.

Somewhere in my early 20's I swapped out breakfast for coffee.  That was the way I started my morning and often I would not eat anything until noon.  Since I have been drinking my breakfast for the better part of 15 years I have started this transition by having a smoothie every morning.  I am accustomed to drinking my breakfast so while I am ingesting something different the routine stays somewhat the same.  On days that are really busy I am sure to add a handful of raw almonds for the energy boost.

I have also changed a common side when I am eating lunch.  Many times I would have chips or pretzels with which ever sandwich I was eating.  I have now substituted  bread for romaine on my sandwich and red peppers have taken the place of the junk food I would have on the side.  If I am in the mood for something sweet I will have an apple or a handful of grapes too.  

I stumbled across a new change tonight after my oldest daughter's concert.  While watching the concert I kept thinking about how my grandma and mom used to take me out for ice cream after my concerts as a kid.  The first thought I had was some ice cream would be nice, followed by I haven't had ice cream in quite some time, the last thought that kept nagging me was I REALLY WANT SOME FREAKING ICE CREAM!!  Even after I had the kiddos in bed that want was still nagging at me.  Then inspiration hit!

Last summer I had purchased the Dessert Bullet and it was still in the box downstairs.  So I got it out, assembled it and used a handful of frozen fruit to make this version of ice cream.  That is what is in the picture at the top of the blog.  The only ingredients I used were lemon, blueberries and strawberries.  I enjoyed it so much.  I also was able to rid myself of the craving with none of the guilt.  

Progress: Still going strong and it gets easier every day
Notes: Swapping bad for good gets easier for me when I have the right tools to use.